Thursday, July 4, 2013

The Undefined Gamer: "Sonic Colors" Review

God, do I hate Sega these days.

      It has been quite a long time since Sega's glory days. True, they have
the resources and the right people to bring back those glory days,
however, Sega is held back largely by one thing: its schedule. Some
genius over at Sega Headquarters thought it was a good idea to shit
out a Sonic game every year. Now, shitting out a Star Wars movie every
year might work, but a video game every year? Face it, Sega, you're no
      So this is how we get Sonic Colors, a game so hopelessly rushed that
despite its creative premise and at first stellar level designs, has
no hope of being great. Colors's plot is based off of a floating
amusement park in space that Dr. Eggman has built as compensation for
his misdeeds. But, as is typical of evil mustached men, turns out
Eggman is secretly doing more misdeeds behind everyone's back;
capturing aliens for his own benefit.
      Of course Sonic won't have any of that. Sonic, who gains temporary
powers from these different colored aliens (hence the title), will
once again smash up all that Eggman has built.
      At first, the production values for this game are relatively high, as
they where in Sonic Unleashed (heh, never reviewing that game),
however, Sega's bullshit quickly shows. As the game progresses, the
quality of the CGI quickly is thrown into an inconsistent flux, at
times going from HD cutscenes to terribly rendered circa-2000 era
looking CGI. There is no excuse for this.

Sonic X Pokemon?
       To make matters worse is the difficulty. Yeah, I know, just because a
game is hard, doesn't make it bad. Well, except in this case. At
first, the game is a blast, with 95% of the levels being fun and
really creative. Midway through, like Sonic Unleashed, the game gets
unbearably hard due to poor level design.
      You see, in games there is a bad hard, and a good hard. Good hard
encompasses games like Dark Souls- games that are purposefully made
difficult through exemplary craftsmanship. Bad Hard is the complete
opposite. Glitches! Poor level designs! Unclear objectives! Bullshit
instructions! Poor controls! Sonic Colors, keeping pace with its
predecessors on the Wii, has all of them.
      It's sad, too. Sonic has the potential to have a great release (even
in the Wii), yet it is restricted by Sega's ridiculous schedule. Most
of these problems could've been fixed with time. Some levels are
really well thought-out and designed, while others are bullshitted.
This leaves a halfway-playable game. True, that half that is playable
is really awesome, but if Sonic Team had even just a year more to work
out the kinks, then perhaps we'd have a wholeway through playable
      The graphics, at times, are some of the most impressive I've seen for
the Wii. At other times, they're the worst (btw, the graphics on the
3DS version are really horrible). At times I'm having the time of my
life while playing it. At others it feels like I'm watching a bad

Look at all the colors?...
      Sonic Colors is a halfway-made game. Sure, there are moments when
Sonic Teams' hard work shines through, but at others, its complete
garbage. It's a double-scoop ice-cream cone with one scoop of vanilla,
one scoop of cow shit. Be careful where you lick.

Sonic Colors gets 2 stars out of 6

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