Monday, May 28, 2012

CROSSING OVER: The Woman In Black Review


   It has thrills, chills, and armies of murdered children. Watch as Daniel Radcliffe's career takes this dark turn in this 20th Century murder-fest! This is The Woman In Black (with no relation to the Men In Black).

   Before we begin, yes this is another crossover review, as the title suggests. Yup, it's me your friendly neighborhood Chapmaniac from Go crazy. Or cry uncontrollably. Both will be entertaining.
   The movie follows Dan Radcliffe as an employee of a law firm supposedly (it doesn't go into great detail what the f**k he actually does.) His boss that we see for literally three minutes or so thrusts Dan with the task of finding the deed to the old marsh house in a nearby village, so they could sell it. And as it is old and rundown, yes it's haunted. Good luck selling that.
   Dan's character, a man by the name of Arthur Kipps, just so happens to also have a dead wife, who died in child birth. He also just so happens to have visions about her. Mmmm. Dead family members. Visions from a supposedly dead person. It's not like we haven't seen THAT in his last eight movies.
Oh no!!! It's Harry Potter 9!!!
   As you may have guessed, the woman that haunts the old boat house is a woman, who she herself lost a child while taking a carriage ride out in the....mud. Actually it's sort of tragic. Before, the child was taken away from her because.... well your guess is as good as mine. Anyways, the lady who took him away was a total ass, not giving him birthday cards from his mother and refusing to let her visits. So when she finally did get to see her son, and he died in the accident, well she kind of went crazy and hung herself. What? It happens.
   So now we get to the premise of the movie. Whenever someone sees the Woman in Black, a child dies in a terrible way, from their own accord, for the lady in black possesses them to do stupid things like start a fire or drink poison, or jump out of a two-story window. And yes, as Dan searches the house she has to torture him with visions of dead children, and many (poorly planned) jump scares.
Zombie Children? Break out the shotguns!

   In fact, the jump scares are so numorous and so predictable, they almost never catch you by surprise, and the really "scary" parts of this movie don't really have you scared s**t, no in fact the "scary" parts of this movie in fact are just gross, like seeing a child with half their face burnt off. I mean in theatres I bet it looked nice, but on Blu Ray it just looks gross. No, this is the scariest part of the movie:

She watches you while you're sleeping
   Holy s**t! If that thing came to life, I'd be scared sh**tess! That thing's scarier than f**king Chucky. Don't believe me? Stare into it's eyes for more than five minutes, it only gets scarier the more you look at it!
   The rest of the movie? Dan meets up with Sam Daily (Ciarin Hinds), who gives him housing while he searches for the documents. About halfway through the movie, they sort of get tired with the Woman In Black killing children, so Arthur decides, "hey! Maybe we should use Sam's car to pull out the carriage and then place the son's dead body with the Woman In Black's in her grave! I'm soo smart!"
     And that's exactly what they do. They dig the kid out, place his body on a table, place all the birthday cards he never got next to him, while the Woman In Black goes and decides to be a c**k to them. SERIOUSLY! They actually did a really nice (and smelly) thing for her, and this is how she repays them? With more jump scares! At this point, it's just annoying! At this point, there is just no likability for the woman in black! I mean first off she killed hundreds of children in horrifying ways, and only children, second off when you do something nice to her, she bes a c**k and jump scares you a million times, and lastly, SHE KILLS F**KEN CHILDREN!!! 

   Oh, wait till we get to the ending. With all conflicts resolved, and the deed found, at the train station Arthur meets up with his son, SO THE LADY IN BLACK CAN HAVE A DAMN SUBWAY CAR RUN HIM OVER!!!! Dan tries to protects him, but is killed as well. You know in my mind, there are a few levels of c**kiness, one being just a jerk, two being a douche, three being a violent douche, four being a Hitler douche, then their's five, being A Super Cock Hitler Douche To the Max, which is where the ldy in Black resides.
Oh My God! It's the ghost of Helena Ravenclaw!!!
Ok, ok it wasn't that BAD of an ending, for they DO go to heaven and meet up with Arthur's dead wife, but still, The Lady in Black is still out there, killing children, nothing has been resolved, that town is still a terrible place to live, and basically that will continue until someone has the sense to call Ghostbusters.
Faces Are Not Scary
     My main other problems with this movie is the music. They don't use it right. In fact sometimes, there is no music at all, and it has no purpose whatsoever. It is because of that that the movie's ending seems strangely like the middle, there is no buildup to that bone moment, no use of dramatic music like in Harry Potter 8, in fact the only indication that that was in fact the ending was the rolling of the credits. The acting is ok, it's just the directing. I mean I could see this movie done waay better, by, well anybody. First off, the jump scares do not work and the movie seems to hang it's hat on the horrifying dead children the Woman in Black has killed, but that's basically it. Dudes, just focus on the damn China Dolls and I'll be pissing my pants for a week.
    This is the kind of movie that looks great in theatres, but looks poor on home tvs. This movie suffers from predicability and unscary, but very gross, jump scares. It's not a bad movie. But not a movie I'd want to watch again. Just expect more reboots of this novel. I'd give it a C, which would translate to a 3 out of 6 on Cinema Won. Go crazy. 

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