Saturday, July 7, 2012

"Nazis at the Center of the Earth" Review

    What the hell? Just, what the hell? This is Nazis at the Center of the Earth? Seriously?


    NATCOTE is brought to us by The Asylum, of course. For those unfamiliar with The Asylum, let me give you a little lesson. The Asylum is famous for two kinds of movies. The first kind are rip-offs of movies currently in theaters meant to confuse unwary shoppers to think that they are the real deal (Transmorphers to Transformers, Battle of Los Angeles to Battle: LA, American Battleship to Battleship, ETC). The catch is they all suck and are blatant rip-offs, but somehow no studios ever been able to retaliate against them. The second kinds are films that are based off of an incredible ridiculous premise. They are mostly monster mash films (Including their increasingly popular Megashark Vs series) and can actually be pretty fun. 
    NATCOTE falls into the latter category. Unfortunately for us though, this one absolutely sucks. It follows a group of scientists, lead by Dr. Moss (Josh Allen) and Dr. Reistad (Jake Busey) as they try to rescue Moss's girlfriend Paige (Dominique Swain), when she goes missing. They stumble into a cave that leads them to the center of the Earth, where they discover that a group of Nazis, led by the still-alive Josef Mengele (Christopher K. Johnson) are living underground. They are forced to help the Nazis create a means of using flesh from others to keep themselves alive forever, so they can then create a Fourth Reich.
    If that all sounds very implausible, don't worry, it is. But in a movie with the title Nazis at the Center of  the Earth, what did you really expect? In fact, of the options that could have been presented, this one is the most interesting and actually answers a few questions we may have (If incorrectly). There is some to like in this film. Johnson is excellent as Mengele. He's calm and cool, yet still terrifying and intimidating. Jake Busey also does fine as he's given increasingly stupid things to do.

Yes, that is Robot Hitler. Why do you ask?
     Unfortunately, the fun literally stops there. NATCOTE could have been a totally crazy and fun ride, giving us a completely over-the-top story. Hell, it does have an over-the-top story. When one of your villains is Robot Hitler (James Maxwell Young), you've kinda gone past the line of seriousness. But NATCOTE quickly devolves from a campy horror film to torture porn. The movie really does test your limits as to what you can stomach in a film. A man gets his face ripped off while he's still alive, then lives on for a few more days without any kinds of food or water lying alone in an empty room. With all the skin taken off his body. Right. A woman has brain surgery while still awake. Another woman is raped by zombie Nazis. There's a god-damned forced abortion in this film. With a vacuum cleaner. 
     And that's just too much for me. I am not one to enjoy torture porn. I enjoy horror just as much as the next guy. But I have to draw the line somewhere and I'm pretty sure forced abortions is a good place to draw that line. Sure, the rest of the acting sucks, the story in utter nonsense and the special effects look like they came out of a PS1-era game, but that's all to be expected in an Asylum film. And yet NATCOTE is the closest I've ever come to simply walking away from a film. But it wouldn't have been fair to review a movie that I didn't watch all the way through. Now that I've finished it, I can safely say that I should have just followed my instincts. 

A little less nip, a little more tuck.
    NATCOTE is a test of patience. The movie could have been a lot of fun, but instead, The Asylum has delivered more torture porn than needed. Busey and Johnson are great, but who cares when so much despicableness is going on. Maybe I just don't have the stomach for enjoying a forced abortion. Then again, I don't really want to met anyone who does. Nazis at the Center of the Earth gets 1 star out of 6. 

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