Saturday, February 25, 2012

Cinema Won Vs "The Apocalypse"

    I have nothing against religion. Let me start out this review by saying that. People have a right to believe in whatever they want to believe in. However, that doesn't mean I want to spend a hour and a half being told how much my life is going to suck because I myself am not religious. Which is why most religious movies don't appeal to me personally. However, if I am going to watch a religious movie, it might as well be one with giant, world-ending asteroids, right? So let's watch 2007's creatively-titled The Apocalypse. And since it's made by the fine folks over at The Asylum, I'm sure it will be very delicate with it's message. This is The Apocalypse.

    The Apocalypse was released in 2007, direct-to-DVD of course, and made it's way to me through a six pack with other end-of-the-world crap movies. It was released through the Asylum's Faith Films label, which has released such classics as Countdown: Jerusalem, The Day the Earth Stopped and Sunday School Musical. And I'm sure The Asylum needs no introduction, being the foremost makers in terrible rip-off movies like Transmorphers and Battle of Los Angeles.
    The film follows Jason (Rhett Giles) and his ex-wife Ashley (Jill Stapley) head to Los Angeles to find their daughter, Lindsey (Kristen Quintrall) after a series of asteroids begin to destroy the Earth. Along the way, the learn that people that are "true believers" in God are disappearing and realize that the only way to survive the apocalypse is to become true believers themselves.

    As you may have already guessed the movie doesn't quite try to subtly push it's message. But before we get to the unfortunate implications of that message, let's look at the film itself. It sucks. First off, the acting is complete crap. In what it easily the worst scene in the whole movie, Jason and Ashley discover a man lying in the street, that upon closer inspection, tries to rob them of their car. The thief may just be the worst actor of all time, saying ever line in either a loud, obnoxious, growl or a quiet, incomprehensible mumble. The scene goes on for 5 minutes, not one of which I understood.
    On top of that, the story is absolutely miserable. Things just happen at random and sorta try to come together in the ending. In one scene, Ashley blurts out to Jason that she loves him and when Jason, her EX-husband, asks her why she said that, she said it was because she wanted her last words to him be "I love you". This however makes no sense, since at the time she said it, there was no reason to suspect that they were going to die. They were driving down the street and saw a few empty cars. Not anything life-threatening. Just cars. Another scene had the two see a tornado form less that a mile from their car. The same tornado collides with Ashley house in Los Angeles. The problem is according to Jason, they were still 2 hours out of LA, meaning there is no way they could have seen the tornado and still be that far from the city.

Church. Where people in the background don't
 realize they're in a movie.
    Now, let's get back to the movie's message. That if you don't truly believe in God, then you will be left to die during the asteroid apocalypse. All you Atheists out there, or those who practice other religions. Ya, sorry. Asteroids got your name on it. Just think of all of the unfortunate implications this creates. Babies don;t truly believe in God, because, you know, they're babies. So they get to be all alone when their parents are taken and are left to die. Sorry, they just didn't believe hard enough. Hell (no pun intended), there are people we see who work at a freaking church who get "left behind". They get left behind, while Jason's family, who haven't gone to church in years, get to repent, even if God tries to kill them earlier. Seriously, the family has a severe lightning storm following them and even kills Ashley (Oops, "Spoiler"), almost like God doesn't want them in heaven. And no, this does end by setting up an awesome Bourne-like thriller where Jason goes to get revenge on God. I guess The Born-Again Identity was to cool for Faith Films.
    Also, later on the films shoves a message even more offensive and disturbing down our throats. See, it turns out priests are allowed to say horrible, hurtful things to non-believers, gays and lesbians and other religions, because they are just trying to "save" them and are upset that "they" aren't listening. Yes, you read that right. Churches are allow to say hateful slurs to people, not because they are terrible, but because they're misunderstood. Screw this movie. (And no, before everyone comments below, I know not all churches and priests are like that. In fact most aren't.)

This picture if from the tornado scene.
See the tornado?
    The 2007 Asylum/Faith Films' film The Apocalypse is one of the worst movie ever to be made. The acting is atrocious, the writing's a mess and the effects are laughable. One top of that, the messages of the film are horribly offensive and disturbing. While, yes, it is fun for some so-bad-it's-good laughs, The Apocalypse does the truly unthinkable and is so bad it becomes good and then becomes bad again. 2007's The Apocalypse get Cinema Won's first-ever 1 out of 6.

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