Review 168: "Beneath Loch Ness"

"I just took a crap in my pants, how's that?'

Strike Two

      I always liked the Loch Ness Monster. Sure, Nessie probably doesn't exist (Mostly because it died of old age back in late 2009), but it's always fun to believe that something mysterious is going on in the world. After all, without the Loch Ness Monster, we would have never gotten the classic film Scooby-Doo! and the Loch Ness Monster. So, I was kinda looking forward to watching another Nessie movie. Yeah, I should have know better. Beneath Loch Ness was released, and I did not plan this, on June 5, 2002. Only in the Philippines, of course. It's directed by Chuck Comisky and written by Shane Bitterling (Puppet Master X: Axis Rising) and Justin Stanley (Dusting Cliff 7) and follows Case (Brian Wimmer, Flipper) as he travel to Loch Ness in order to help a team of researchers, including lone female member Julie (Lysa Apostle, Mergers and Acquisitions), "bad boy" Jake (David Andriole, Sunset Beach) and other guy Ron (Chris Taaffe, Sub Down), as they look for a monster in the loch. Funded by TV producer Elizabeth (Lysette Anthony, The Bill) and slowed down by a police Constable (Vernon Wells, Power Rangers Time Force), the group teams up with former police constable named Blay (Patrick Bergin, Patriot Games) in order to stop the beast once and for all.

You may now commence laughing.

Now Available on the Nintendo 64

      I's starting to get a bad feeling about the DVD set. Granted, I'm only two movies in, but I feel much in the same way about both of these movies. They aren't necessarily bad, but man are they lame. This movie kinda feels like it was made solely to get a trip up to Ireland and have a paid vacation. Though, I doubt this film was, you know, filmed at the actual Loch Ness. This film probably didn't have that big a budget. It is almost shocking how bad the underwater effects are. Effects like standing in a warehouse decorated with rocks under a blue light and smudged camera. And they keep setting scenes underwater. Hell, the climax is underwater and it's nearly impossible to understand what's going on. And naturally the actual monster effects look like they were taken out of a Nintendo 64 game. And not like Super Mario 64. More like Superman 64. It's not even funny bad. It's just kinda sad. I think they were trying hard to make a good movie, but in the end it was just done to justify what was probably a pretty crappy vacation. 

A Day at the Loch

      Not that the rest of the movie is hateable though. This, again like Venom, is a movie that barely even exists, let alone inspire hatred. The actors do seem to be trying, though they are just awful no matter what they do. Most are wooden and those who aren't are still forgettable, in roles, again like Venom, which usually aren't even named. Some barely do anything, while other sole purpose is some PG-13 nudity. The film contains probably one of the most blatant bits of nudity I've ever seen, when one female main character goes swimming in the Loch. In her bikini bottoms. And a white t-shirt. For literally no explained reason. But at least that scene, as bad as it is, captures your attention. The whole movie is one that will play in the background of your house. I was barely paying attention for at times minutes on end and never missed anything. This might be because the movie is so poorly edited. As I said earlier, some scenes don't serve any purpose, while some characters disappear with no resolution. The police Constable, for example, spends the entire movies going against the "heroes" and in one scene is forced to released depth charges into the water and... that's it. Never see him again. Bye, Vernon Wells!

Still better special effects than this movie.

The Verdict

      Beneath Loch Ness is exactly the type of film you'd expect to find on a DVD set like this. The film is just so badly made. The special effects are just pathetic, with horrible underwater effects that the constantly throw in and a CGI-monster so bad the hardly show you anything other than his eye. The acting is uniformly terrible, with some trying and failing and others just giving up before they started. The movie is so poorly edited that it can be hard to follow. Or at least it would be if the film was at all interesting and not the boring, overly simple and bland movie that it is now. Beneath Loch Ness gets 2 and a half stars out of 6.