Review 173: "The Last Stand"

"Old."

He Is Back

      That's right! He's back! After years of governmenting in California, Arnold Schwartzenegger is back in the movies! well, at least for the first time in a starring role. And man, was everybody excited to see it... What's that?... 9th place, you say. Well, at least the movie will be good... What's that?... Well, it was exciting for a while. Directed by Kim Jee-Woon and written by Andrew Knauer, the film follows Sheriff Owens (Arnold Schwartzenegger), who learns that escaped drug cartel leader, Cortez (Edurado Noriega) is heading straight for his town with a private army, leader by Burrell (Peter Stormare). With his inexperienced deputies, including Figgy (Luis Guzman) and Sarah (Jamie Alexander), as well as gum museum owner Dinkum (Johnny Knoxville) and FBI agent Bannister (Forest Whitaker), he attempts to stop Cortez's escape and protect his town. As it turns out, that's not actually all that hard.

The non-3D makes this looks absolutely flat!

But Not Better Than Ever

      I'll be honest. I watched The Last Stand about an hour or two ago and I barely remember that much about it. I mean, there is almost nothing to say about this movie. It is nice to see Arnold back on the big screen and he has really lost a step since all the governering. The problem is that the movie doesn't really know what to do with him. The film doesn't have all that much in the way of action. There are a couple shootouts and a fist-fight at the end and a car chase here and there, but really, nothing to exciting. The main shootout lasts about 10 minutes and Arnold spends most of it driving a school bus. It makes sense in context. Even Arnold seems a little bored. While the movie cuts to the escaped Cortez or the FBI taking him in car chases and firefights, we then cut back to Arnold, in his small town, literally waiting for the action to show up.

Baby's First Action Movie

      The film doesn't even build it up that well. One minute, Cortez is on a highway, the next he's in the town. The film's pacing is so badly done that it just feels like nothing ever happens. That combines with the shallow story, which exists only as an excuse for the action, which is so slow because the story is so shallow that nothing happens and you get the pattern! The movie has so little to do that it can barely even have action scenes, which are so flatly directed and boring that if it wasn't for the surprising amount of gore and swearing, this movie could have gotten a PG rating. It feels like the Fantastic Four of Schwartzenegger movies. I didn't need to care about what was going on, I just wanted it to be interesting.

Don't you just hate it when they replace your shotgun
with a squirt gun?

The Verdict

      Look, if you like Arnold and want to see him return to the starring role, then The Last Stand is not a hard film to sit through. Arnold's good as is the rest of the cast, the action is dull but fine and the story gets by. It's just so shallow that the action starts to feel like an afterthought, barely existing and barely interesting. Let's hope Arnie's next films are a little more there. The Last Stand gets 3 stars out of 6.