Review 175: "Movie 43"

"Just Plain Wrong"

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What the Hell is This?

      Okay. Wow. This is gonna be a long one. I just can't fathom how this movie got made. I guess I should explain the format of this review. Since Movie 43 is not one single story but instead a bunch of short films, I'll just review each individually. Not that it really matters seeing as how they all are basically the same. What should be noted is that much of the movie is written by Rocky Russo and Jeremy Sosenko, who's only other credit is writing for the abysmal Comedy Central show Brickleberry. On top of that, the way this movie got there actor is a little dubious too. Most were just friends of the directors and writers, however many tried to back out of filming and have distanced themselves from the project, while others weren't even aware of the fact that they were going to be making this movie. So, yeah, it all sounds just peachy.

The Pitch

      This film is the one that connects the other stories all "together". Basically, Dennis Quaid is attempting to sell these short films to the understandably disgusted Greg Kinnear. When Kinnear refuses, Quaid pulls a gun on him and forces him too, eventually dragging in Common, Seth McFarlane and Will Sasso. This is probably the best of the short simply because the filmmakers mistakenly tried to mock critics complaining about the movie and instead provide laughs at the film's expense. And the even f*ck that up by completely copping out in a ending that I'm not prompted by the actors simply walking off set. It also sets the stage for some examples of the acting in the movie, with Quaid overacting, Sasso being too good for this and Kinnear clearly phoning it in. Remember, this is as good as it gets. It's also worth noting that an alternate version of the set-up was used overseas titled The Thread. There, it follows a group of teenagers that attempt to find Movie 43, the "most banned movie in the world", Yeah, right.

The Catch

      And now we get to the first short. This one follows Kate Winslet as she goes on a date with the rich, kind and seemingly perfect Hugh Jackman. That is until she learns why he's still single. He has testicles on his chin. That's it. The entire joke in the 6 minute plus scene is "That guy has balls on his chin. That's weird." Seriously, the film never makes any other attempts at jokes. It's just more balls joke. They get food on them, get cold, touch a bay's head. And Winslet just is baffled by it. The actors are trying way too hard, especially Jackman, who if he fired his agent for making him star in the scene, he'd probably be going easy on him. I mean, how did they get Jackman to get balls prostheticed to his chin. Although, they could always be CGI testicles. Next.

Homeschooled

      In this next short, it finds Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts as they homeschool their son, but attempt to give him a "realistic" high school experience. You know, by beating him in gym class, or calling him names or making fun of him naked. This begin s what I like to call the list shorts, which literally feel like they have a checklist of naughty words and crude jokes they have to use, regardless of how it's used in context. This short is mostly a montage of the things the parents do to the son and really they are just a collection of truly awful jokes. This is kinda where the main problem of the movie arises. They advertise the movie as the most offensive, unspeakable and unwatchable movie ever made. And they only got one of those right. I have no problem speaking about this film and the film is never even remotely offensive, except for one scene. See, as it turns out, the film equivalent of a middle-schooler going "Penis, heh, fart, heh heh, vagina, heh, poop HAHAHA" is not actually all that offensive. Without any really any context to the jokes, they just aren't offensive. They're lazy and stupid.

That's how I felt watching this movie.

The Proposition

      This next short, from children's film director Steve Carr, follows Chris Pratt as he attempts to propose to Anna Faris, only to learn that she wants him to, ahem... sh*t on her during sex. Yeah. After some advice from J.B. Smoove (Yeah), he decides to follow through. Similarly to The Catch, this short never makes a joke outside the obvious ones and they are all about poop. It's one of the worst of the skits, but it's also one of the least memorable, so we are in luck today. Except for the fact that we're watching this movie.

Veronica

      This one follows Kieran Culkin as he talks dirty with Emma Stone, all over the load speaker at a grocery store. Not much to say about this one. Stone is trying way to hard for this movie and again, the is just more listing crude words and swears. An incredibly waste of talent and just really pathetic more than anything. Moving on.

iBabe

      This short, directed by Steven Brill, director of several awful comedies including Mr. Deeds and Without a Paddle, follows Richard Gere as he learns from Kate Bosworth, Jack McBrayer and Aasif Mandvi that his company's newest creation, a iPod made to look like a fully realistic naked woman is cutting of people's penises because they are trying to have sex with the machine. This one is solely yo put lots of fully nude women in the film, including a completely gratuitous ad for the product feature a fully nude actress being danced around between two of the earlier scenes. This is probably the least offensive one, nudity excluded. No real jokes in this one. Completely pointless and perfectly sexist to top it all off. 

Superhero Speed Dating

      In one of the most aggravating shorts, Robin (Justin Long) is going speed dating with several people, including Lois Lane (Uma Thurman) and Supergirl (Kirsten Bell), only to be humiliated by Batman (Jason Sudeikis). Suddenly, when Wonder Woman (Leslie Bibb) and the Penguin (John Hodgman) show up, things begin to get out of control. The scene itself continues to trend of things not being remotely funny. But now, they get to mess with beloved superheroes. Oh, joy. If DC had to greenlight this, this is still wouldn't crack the top ten awful things DC has done concerning their characters in film. Wonder Woman, one of the most famous and independent superheroines out there gets turned into a bitchy ex-girlfriend and worst of all, Supergirl isn't even indestructible. How do you screw that up?

Yeah, that too.

Machine Kids

      By far the worst of the shorts, this fake PSA warns against abuse of children who live in machines. Painfully unfunny and offensive for all the wrong reasons, this scene is downright baffling and becomes the film's Big Lipped Alligator Moment. And for this film that's saying something.

Middleschool Date

      In this short, directed by actress Elizabeth Banks, Jimmy Bennett and Chloe Grace Mortez are on a date at Jimmy's house when Mortez get's her first period. When Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Patrick Warburton and Matt Walsh join into the chaos, things actually get kinda funny. No, not from the scene, which is gross and again, kinda sexist. But because, this seems to be the best grouping of actors. Mortez acts respectably in an embarrassing scene similar to Jackman's earlier. And Warburton has the personality to make the bad dialogue funny. Hey, it's better than nothing. Oh, wait...

Tampax

      A stupid fake commercial for Tampax involving sharks that makes no sense. Moving on again.

Happy Birthday

      This short is directed by Brett Ratner, so it must be good, right? Right? Awwww. This short follows Johnny Knoxville (Awwww) as he gives Seann William Scott a leprechaun (Gerard Butler) for his birthday. The humor here comes for them torturing a little person for gold and then the little person beating them up. At Yeah! Almost done.

Some of that, as well.

Truth or Dare

      This one follows Halle Berry and Steven Merchant as they play Truth or Date while on a date. The short actually starts out fairly funny, with Berry and Wheatley both managing to bring some laughs. Then, directer Peter Farrelly, who also directed The Pitch and The Catch, takes it too far is an increasing series of unfunny sight gags, including Merchant getting an ejaculating penis tattooed on his face and Berry dipping a fake breast into guacamole. The worst though is when the too get awful plastic surgery done, making for some bad makeup effects, including making Merchant look asian. Well, at least the racism comes in near the end.

Victory's Glory

      This one brings more racism and stereotyping in to the mix, however, as Terrance Howard couches a black basketball team against an all-white team. The main joke here is "Their white, you're black". It's a pretty weak way to end the movie, seeing as how the entire short could pretty much be seen in the film's trailer.

Beezel

      Or, that would be the end, however, the film includes one last short partway through the credits for the movie. That's right, this is the short that the filmmakers thought was too bad for the actual movie (Other that the one about the guys who has sex with dead people). This one follows returning Elizabeth Banks as she wages war with Josh Duhamel's crude animated cat. Yeah, it's not great. The animation is terrible and the short is painfully unfunny. As a plus, remember that the short featuring an animated character crying while shoving a hairbrush up it's ass is directed and written by future Guardians of the Galaxy-directer James Gunn. Great.

Was the movie mimicking me or what?

The Verdict

      What do you think it could possibly be? This might have been the year's worst film had it not been for A Haunted House. While this film is interesting to watch in a trainwreck sorta way, it can't help the film in the end. Most of the actors are trying way too hard or barely at all and you can't blame them thanks to the awfulness of the shorts. Not one is that funny and most are nearly painful to sit through. On top of that, it's about as offensive as a 12-year old on Xbox Live. Movie 43 gets 1 star out of 6.