Leaked Script for "Taken 3"*

*It's not.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM- NIGHT.

In the darkly lit interrogation room a man sits, handcuffed to the table. He is sweating, breathing heavily.

Across from him, a DETECTIVE stands. Quietly, he lights a CIGAR and smokes it. He walks up to the table, where he turns on a DESK LAMP and shines it directly into the SWEATING man’s face.

We see he is ROBERT MARK KAMEN, screenwriter of the 2012 action film TAKEN 2, previous writer the TRANSPORTER series.

In a deep, GRAVELY voice the Detective looks Kamen directly in the eyes and says. Kinda like Christian Bale’s BATMAN but with his mouth not open like an idiot.

DETECTIVE

Where is he?

Kamen responds in a fearful, CRACKING voice. Kinda like Ben from THE WALKING DEAD video game.

KAMEN

Who? Where is who? What do you want?

DETECTIVE

You know who I want.

KAMEN

I don’t know who you want!

The Detective slams a FIST hard onto the desk. Kinda like when Leonardo DiCaprio slammed his fist down in DJANGO UNCHAINED, and he actually cut his hand up but kept acting in that scene. Seriously, why wasn’t he nominated for Best Supporting Actor?

DETECTIVE

(Shouting)

I want your boss. I want Olivier Megaton,

the director of TAKEN 2 as well as the 2010

film COLOMBIANA!

Kamen panics and starts to cry. What a wuss.

KAMEN

(Between sobs)

I can’t tell you, man!

He’ll make me write TAKEN 3!

DETECTIVE

(Still shouting)

That’s what we’re trying to avoid.

No wants wants to see TAKEN 3.

KAMEN

Do you think that will stop him?

Luc Besson, famed French action

director of the original TAKEN

is still out there too.

The Detective grabs the lamp and throws it across the room, SHATTERING it. However, seeing as how we need lighting in this room, film this scene last so we can keep the lamp of the desk until the scene is over.

DETECTIVE

Do you think I don’t know that?

We can’t touch him, he’s too beloved.

I mean, if we could get him to stop making film’s

after LOCKOUT do you really think we can

stop him now!

KAMEN

I won’t tell you.

The Detective sighs. He UNCUFFS Kamen and lifts him up out of his chair.

KAMEN

What are you doing?

DETECTIVE

If you won’t tell me know,

maybe you’ll want to after

you see all the damage you two

have caused.

KAMEN

You don’t mean...

The Detective cuts Kamen off.

DETECTIVE

Yes, Mr. Kamen.

You are about to be...

TAKEN!

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO STREET- DAY

Shots of San Francisco are used, reminding the viewer that, yes, America is the greatest country in the world. The Detective gets out of a car and pulls Kamen out after him. They are outside Famke Janssen, of X-MEN and I SPY fame, house from TAKEN 2.

KAMEN

Why did you take me here?

DETECTIVE

To show you what could have

been Mr. Kamen.

Kamen looks confused at The Detective. Make sure Kamen really shows that he's confused. Chewing scenery is never a bad thing.

KAMEN

What do you mean?

DETECTIVE

The first half hour of

TAKEN 2 was surprisingly strong!

KAMEN

Excuse me?

DETECTIVE

You heard me. Bryan Mills, 

played by LIAM NESSON,

star of THE A-TEAM and THE GREY,

had good chemistry with his ex-wife

and daughter, played by Maggie Grace,

from LOCKOUT and LOST and the

scenes were well written.

Kamen is shocked. The Detective pants heavily, like Tyler Perry in Alex Cross.

KAMEN

You mean...

DETECTIVE

Yes. I thought the first half

hour of the movie was good

and if it had stayed that quality

it would have be a worthy sequel.

KAMEN

So why did you take me?

DETECTIVE

(Shouting)

Because you ruined it.

It started out great. The idea

to have the families of the people

Mills killed in the first TAKEN

movie was smart and interesting

We rarely see the consequences of'

the crimes an action hero commits.

But then, the plot kicked in...

EXT. ISTANBUL ROOFTOPS- DAY

The Detective and Kamen are standing on some rooftops in Istanbul. The are over looking the city. Ominous chanting music is played, symbolically showing that foreign countries are terrifying.

DETECTIVE

This is where it all fell part.

Do you remember this place,

Mr. Kamen?

KAMEN

No, not really.

DETECTIVE

This is where you had

Maggie Grace throw grenades

off of roofs. For echolocation.

Grenades. For. Echolocation.

Seriously, what the hell?

KAMEN

We thought it be a cool,

bad-ass thing for the daughter

to do.

DETECTIVE

No. It was stupid.

That's not even how

echolocation works. He'd be

about a km away, not 4.5 km.

Kamen starts to freak out, like he's having a panic attack or something. I mean, who cares right?

KAMEN

I don't believe.

DETECTIVE

Believe it! And what's worst

is the fact that this take up

about 20 minutes of runtime.

This movie feels so short. I mean,

the entire action, from when Mills is

kidnapped to when he beats the

bad guy takes what? 4 hours, 

maybe 5 hours.

KAMEN

What are you saying?

DETECTIVE

I'm saying, this is why I want

Megaton. You and him somehow

made an action movie sequel

where the story is actually

competent, but the action is terrible.

Mills escapes from impossible

situations with no explanation.

His daughter gets into a car

chase when she hasn't even passed

her drivers exam. Grenades.

For. Echolocation.

KAMEN

I still won't talk.

DETECTIVE

Good, I have one more

place to take you to.

INT. BATH HOUSE- DAY

This is the bath house from the end of the movie. What? Why should I care about this movie if it's only being made for money? I just got my paycheck. I'm done. Why should I care if this is a good movie or not? I can seriously just write whatever i want and no one would care. Ryan Reynolds was a great Deadpool. Bane was the best Batman villain. The Walking Dead is still fresh and original. I can't wait for Alex Cross 2: Don't Cross His Heart.

KAMEN

Why are we here?

DETECTIVE

Because I need a climax

and this is an obvious boss arena.

KAMEN

Say what you are going to say.

It won't matter.

DETECTIVE

What? All I was going to

say is that, despite a strong story

and opening, TAKEN 2 suffers from

stupid action that's directed so poorly

I not even sure I was watching

Liam Nesson. On top of that,

the film runs out of steam at the end

making it boring and it feels much shorter

than it actually is. If I were a film critic that

reviews things on a scale of one to six

I'd give TAKEN 2 two stars out of six.

KAMEN

So?

DETECTIVE

But, now, I suddenly realize that

revenge is pointless. It helps no one

and it would only cause trouble. If I killed

Megaton, I'd ruin my career, my family,

my life. I don't care were he is. You can go.

KAMEN

It's actually funny, because Megaton

is actually right over there.

Kamen points at MEGATON, who is sitting in the corner. The Detective pulls out a gun and kills Megaton.

KAMEN

(Shocked)

I thought you said you weren't

going to kill him.

DETECTIVE

Eh. I changed my mind. Again.

Kamen runs out of the room. Despite the piles of evidence against him, The Detective goes home to his family and lives happily ever after drinking milkshakes on a pier.

FIN