Sunday, March 17, 2013

This Month In... 2007: "Premonition"

More like Pretentious. Thank you, I'm here all week.

I'll write you off with a SPOILER WARNING.

That's Not How Premonitions Work

      Oh boy. I wasn't expecting much with this movie. But, oh my god. Words can't even... I don't know... what were they... WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST WATCH? Directed by Mennen Yapo (Lautlos), whose last name is the best part of this movie, and written by Bill Kelly (Enchanted), Premonition follows Linda (Sandra Bullock, All About Steve), who is shocked to discover that her husband (Julian McMahon, Fantastic Four) died in a car accident. That is until the next day when she wakes up to discover that her husband is still alive. Then, on the next day, he's dead once again. She consults a doctor (Peter Stormare, Prison Break), who thinks she's crazy. She seeks help from her mother (Kate Nelligan, U.S. Marshalls) and her best friend (Nia Long, The Cleveland Show), who also thinks she's crazy. Naturally, she refuses to believe she's crazy. 

"Cheer up. It's not like you're at a funeral or anything."
Rocks Are Smarter Than This

      I mean seriously? Did the people who made this movie never stop to think of how incredibly stupid this whole thing is? This is one of those movies. The one where the filmmakers didn't want to budge on the ideas they had for this movie so they had to make everything Sandra Bullock does shockingly contrived. Look, here's what's going on. For some reason, it's never explained, because that would involve, you know, talent, Linda goes to bed on Thursday, wakes up on Monday, goes to bed, wakes up on Saturday, goes to bed, wakes up on Tuesday. One, that's not what premonitions are, so great job researching, you hacks. Second  Linda doesn't notice this until Tuesday night. I'm not f*cking kidding. Linda goes through these days thinking that's she's having weird dreams and freaking out, despite the fact that she could figure out whats going on if she'd just look at a freaking calender! She never considers that the things she finds out about on Saturday, like ripping a page out of a phone book or visiting a doctor on Tuesday, are actually happening to her on Tuesday. When she wakes up on Saturday, she finds that all the mirrors are mysteriously covered up and she doesn't know why. Then, the very next day, on Tuesday, she covers up the mirrors and it never occurs to her that that is the reason why there are covered up mirrors on Saturday. I have literally met dung beetles smarter than this woman! Even then, when she does find out, she doesn't use this to her advantage to prevent her husbands death. He dies in a car accident, so does she flatten his tires so he can't go? Nope, she asks him not to like a crazy person, because, that's the smart thing to do. 

The Writer Can't Even Keep Up

      It does, amazingly, manages to get worse then that. Yeah. See, at least up until that point, the biggest logical problem was how mindbogglingly stupid Linda was. The whole idea as to what was going on was incredibly obvious, though the filmmakers clearly thought they had the next great movie twist on there hands judging by how pretentious this movie is, but it made sense kinda and at least we could follow it. Then, I kid you not, the logic breaks completely and utterly. See, on Thursday, Linda's daughter looks perfectly fine, but on Saturday, her face is very badly cut up. We assume her injuries occur on Friday, because that's the logical thing. But no, she gets injured on Tuesday. She gets hurt on Tuesday, is perfectly fine on Thursday, and hurt again on Saturday. It's at that point the movie completely falls apart. The film has the vibe that it was written in one sitting and the script that was used was never re-written. Even though the film uses a clear weekly schedule to keep things in line, it acts like the days Linda lives out of order is the actual chronological order. In other words, even though her daughter isn't hurt on Thursday, because the daughter gets hurt on Tuesday and we never go back to Thursday, then it makes sense. In another scene, we learn Linda's husband was on her way to cheat on her when he died. Then, on the last day Linda lives out before he dies, him and Linda make up and he has a change of heart. However, the day they made up was Sunday and the day he died was on Wednesday. So why was still going to cheat on her on the days inbetween? Because no one thought this movie through, that's why.

Bullock, clearly unhappy with the script.
The Verdict

      I had really high hopes for This Month In.... I do love this show. It adds a great variety and the reviews I think are pretty good. But this is the fifth movie out of 11 to get one star or lower. I have watched on 5 star or higher movie. Why do I pick such crappy films on accident? Premonition is one of the most logically brain-dead movies I've ever seen. The main character can't figure out what is going on, even though it is so incredibly obvious it just makes her look stupid. The order of events suddenly breaks, as things begin happening on days they shouldn't have happened on and the movie just acts like it makes sense. it's so bad, that I'm almost convinced this was meant to be a comedy. You don't have to see the future to know that Premonition sucks hard. Premonition gets zero stars out of 6. Next week (Finally), on This Month In..., things get totally tubular. Like, cowabunga dude!

Bonus Notes and Trivia

- So what, did Linda just go from Saturday before her husband died to the next Thursday? How else wouldn't see remember what's going on?

- Yes, I didn't really feel like I needed to address it, but the ending is awful. Linda turns out to be the reason why her husband dies, but a last minute turn to religion makes everything okay, as Linda learn's she's pregnant. Yeah, I laughed too.

- Sandra Bullock actually had to get a Tetanus shot onscreen after she cut herself while filming.

- It was Sandra Bullock's idea to make Linda pregnant at the end. So, thanks for that.

- Original, Linda actually did save her husband, but the ending was deemed to "Hollywood", so they just decided to go for the "Pretentious" ending instead.

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