Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Robot Ninjas vs Dragon Zombies: Season One, Episode 11: "Caged Fury"

"Buck is always serious".

Featuring the Guy from C.H.I.P.S!

      So, seeing as how Robot Ninjas has always seemed to be circling some of the most exploitive and terrible movies genres like Direct-to-DVD and 70s zombie horror, it was really only a matter of time before we got around to the "Women in Prison" genre prevalent in the times when people wanted to see usually undressed, often naked women be put into sexually submissive positions. So, since the conception of film basically. I have seen two of the "classics" of the genre, Caged Heat and Women in Cages, so I figured why not look at one more and actually be able to excuse it on having to review it. Being a critic sometimes has it benefits. The film is directed by and written by Bill Manning (Wolfpack, which is about a fascist football team) and follows Kat Collins (Roxanna Michaels, Bikini Seasons 2), who travels to Hollywood with a new friends of her's, Rhonda (April Dawn Dollarhide, Party Favors), to become famous. However, after being screwed over by a photographer named Buck (Blake Bahner, Wizards of the Demon Sword), the two find themselves sent to a women's prison, run by Warden Thorn (Ty Randolph, Nudity Required) and guard Spyder (Gregory Scott Cummins, It's Always Sunny in Philidelphia). As the girls plot on escaping, on the outside, they are aided by Kat's sister Tracy (Elena Sahagun, Teenage Exorcist), Detective Stoner (James Hong, Kung Fu Panda) and random dudes Dirk (Richard Barathy, Body Trouble) and Victor (Erik Estrada, Armed and Famous).

Hi, Ron Jeremy!
It Should Be a Crime

      In what should be hopefully obvious, the real reason you should watch these movies is because of how awesomely they usually fall into the "So-Bad-It'-Good" genre. Stupid plots, dumb characters, plentiful nudity, gratuitous violence. It's a bad movie lover's dream. However, the problem with seeking out bad movies is that often, you just finding crappy movies. If there is one nice thing I can say about Caged Fury it's that it does try for there to be movie of a story. It's a terrible one, sure, but at least it was trying. Here, the women characters are all done with their stories when the arrive at the prison and then they just serve as boobs to look at. They have no personality, have to be saved by the male characters and are stripped naked any chance they get. I'll admit that being a guy, I do like the occasional nude scene, but still, even for this genre it's a little too horribly sexist! And the male characters try to make the story work, but they really can't. They just spend time going over areas we already have seen 3 times over. And most of the action is left to Barathy, who makes Estrada look pathetic next to him. Not that Erik Estrada needed any help looking pathetic.

Caged Drowsy

      But even that would be fairly excusable if Caged Fury were even remotely interesting. But it isn't. Obviously. It's not interesting bad, it's just bad bad. You can't make fun of it, because you're too busy trying to pay attention to the movie and not the color of the wall in front of you. The only interesting bad part about this film is the mood whiplash at the end. The film ends with the characters escaping the prison to an upbeat song are female empowerment (Because that works in this film). Then, suddenly the main character runs back into the prison to rescue her friends and almost gets raped and killed. She's taken away in an ambulance, screaming in mental anguish  The film fads to black. And then fades right back into another upbeat pop song as the now fine main character and Erik Estrada run off into the sunset. So much for all that mental scarring. But, alas, the rest of the film isn't as interesting. It just drones on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.

I couldn't find another picture without nudity
in it, so here's James Hong!
The Verdict

      If you want to rip apart a bad movie, then watch Caged Heat. If you want to be bored for a hour and a half, watch Caged Fury. Even the just slightly more high caliber cast can't save this awful movie. The film is almost embarrassingly sexist, completely uninteresting and when it is interesting, it's only for how silly the damn thing is. Maybe someone out there will like it, but that someone isn't me. I'm into more high brow stuff. Like romantic comedies with supernatural creatures in them. Caged Fury gets 2 stars out of 6. 

No comments:

Post a Comment