Friday, May 31, 2013

Transcript of a Haunted Person

Day 1:
I saw directly into hell

Day 5:

      I am being haunted. Something is in me. An evil I can't shake. And that evil has Marlon Wayans face. Truly, it is the worst evil of all. I ignored the warnings. It was barely an hour and 20 minutes long. A quick and easy review. But it turned into an eternity. A Haunted House. Dear god. Wayans starred as a douchebag who treated his girlfriend terribly. Essence Atkins played the girlfriend, who was just terrible. Cedric the Entertainer (Ha!) played a exorcist. David Koechner played a ghost hunter. Nick Swardson played a psychic. I don't know where they expected the humor to come from. Wayans and co-writer Rick Alvarez and neither could director Michael Tiddes, who can't have that be his real last name. I mean, come on! But now I am in pain. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I finished the movie over a day ago. Why won't it leave me? Why? I called a friend over to help me exorcise this movie and help me rip it to shreds. He jumped out a window. And I had to watch the movie again. I can't decide what I'm more upset about. Later I plan to have a professional help me. I need to call them. And get a new window. And a hose.

Warning: These photos might not be for the faint of heart.
Day 8:

      It still won't leave. Today I kept thinking of the horrible excuse for a story. Wayans said this was less a parody and more the opposite of what "white people would do." I think that's racist. Yeah, seeing as how one scene involves the man character grabbing a baseball bat to beat the ghost up with, I think it might be racist. I'd also call it misogynistic, but at least it is sexist both ways. Women are controlling freaks that don't have a sense of humor or just want sex. Men are complete morons that will never take things seriously or just want sex. Equal opportunity sexism. That and the downright offensive stereotypes of gay people, Mexicans, hillbillies. And the fact that the actors are all terrible doesn't help anything. In fact it makes it worse. The professional came over. He said he had dealt with another possession, which involves head spinning and pea soup. I showed him the movie. He burst into flames on my carpet. And I had to watch the movie again. I don't know what makes me more upset. I have one last plan. I need a Ouija board. And a new carpet. And a broom.

Day 9:

      I tried to communicate with the spirit. I kept making jokes. Terrible, terrible jokes. I wasn't even sure that it was making jokes. I mean, some were obviously bad. Jokes about farts, STDs, ghost rape, racism, sex, relationships and the 2nd-most bloody game of tic-tac-toe I've ever seen. Truly hell to sit through, if not worse than hell. Maybe double hell. Triple hell? Anyway, some though, slipped by. Not through subtlety mind you. Strong, unadulterated, pure funniness to the point where I wasn't even I was still awake. The movie is never boring. It's always excruciating. Mind-bogglingly awful to the point of wanting to watch The Hangover: Part III to cheer me up. Yeah, that freaking unfunny. I got so upset I lost consciousness. When I woke up, I had killed an entire farm of animals. I need help. I can't bear this movie anymore. I need a new soul. And an alibi.

You were warned.
Day 10:

      I'm better now. The police let me go. Apparently I not the only person that had this movie get to them. I realized something today. A Haunted House is going to be my worst film of the year. It has to be. It literally can't get worse than this. It's all uphill from now on. Bad movie? Not as bad as A Haunted House. It was the most painfully unfunny, stupidly offensive, mindlessly torturous, poorly acted movie I have ever seen. And I saw Miss March. I have nowhere to go but up. Thank you, Mr. Wayans. Thank you for making one of the worst films ever made. A Haunted House gets 0 stars out of 6. 

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