Thursday, May 16, 2013

The Undefined Gamer: "The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor" Review

Oh yeah, I forgot this one existed.
Just like everyone else ever.
      In this third action-packed Mummy film, Fraser joins John McClane in
dragging his son into the business of blowing shit up. Set years after
The Mummy Returns, Eevee's actress has been replaced to show how the
character aged (or Eevee's previous actress couldn't commit to another
Mummy movie), Alex, Fraser's son, has grown up into a fine (former)
college student, and Fraser, well Fraser stayed just about the same.
      This time around it's Alex who is poking around dusty old tombs
smartly, quickly losing most of his archaeologists while excavating a
tomb in China. Who does this tomb belong to? The famed Dragon Emperor
of course, silly!
      How to explain the Dragon Emperor... well he was an Emperor who,
like Hitmotep and The Scorpion King, tried to take over the world. He
could shapeshift (not that bullshit half-shapeshift that the Scorpion
King did in The Mummy Returns), into anything, and even, you guessed
it, a dragon. He also is sorta the Avatar, who Mastered all 5
elements, Earth, Water, Fire, Water, and Metal (Metal is an element?
But Metalbending is an extension of Earthbending you ding-dongs!). So
basically when you think of the Dragon Emperor, think of this: Fire
Lord Ozai if Fire Lord Ozai was the Avatar and could metalbend like
      But wait, there's more! For his excessive dickery against his own
general (he ripped him apart for having sex with a woman), he got
cursed (by that woman). What is this curse? Fire Lord Ozai must
eternally be encased in Chinaware, along with all of his army! Wait,
what? Seriously? Encased in... China? That's a curse?
      Fear not, for it means he can never regain full power! So, as
expected, Alex carts Emperor Aang here to a Shangai Museum. Meanwhile,
his parents are tasked with returning an egg that also has a diamond
in it to the same Shangai Museum. Digg this, Eevee's brother,
Jonathan, from the two previous movies also owns a bar in Shangai.
I've always wanted to kick Brendon Fraser in the face.
      Not really (except the bar part). Turns out a Chinese General decided
to gather Emperor Roku and Fraser's blue diamond in the same place, so
he could awaken the Avatar. Emperor. So he could awaken the Emperor.
      Because that's a good plan.
      It happens, Fraser gets betrayed by an old friend, Alex almost gets
killed by a ninja girl named Lin, and Emperor Stoner leaves Shangai
more lively than ever.
     The rest of the movie is basically Fraser, Eevee, Alex, Jonathan, and
Lin's quest to stop the Dragon Emperor (turns out Lin has all the
answers, and she has a thing for Alex. Huh.).
They embark on an epic quest that will involve immortality,
Shangri-La, Zombie Soldiers, the Great Wall of China, and Exploding
Condoms (ok, I just made the last one up). Yes, Yetis get involved.
Turns out that they come out when you yell gibberish into the wind.
      The Mummy 3 certainly is entertaining. It has good action, but could
be a tad more innovative. The humor works for the most part, but does
not live up to the humor in the original Mummy. The story is absurd,
but then again that's to be expected from this series (Yetis, come on?
Raising the dead in China's Great wall?), and hardly original. Alex
does an ok job as the semi-main character (is it him, or Fraser?
Nobody knows).
Ha, ha, cute, but no.
      Overall, I rank this movie a little higher up than The Mummy Returns.
True, it's not all that creative, but this movie does not have any
major plotholes like its predecessor that ruins its enjoyability.
Still not as good as the original, The Mummy 3 is a relatively
harmless flick. Now excuse me, I need to prevent the Equalists from
Raising Ozai from the Dead.
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor gets 3 and a half stars out of 6.

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