Sunday, September 9, 2012

"Piranha 3DD" Review

Piranha 3D got a sequel. Scott Pilgrim didn't. I hate this world sometimes.

Spoiler Warning!


    I hate when movies kill kids for a gag. Or a scare. Or a shock. Piranha 3DD does it for all three reasons. And it's a good thing it happened at the very end too. If it had happened anywhere else in the movie, I would have never finished it. This movie sucks. Hard. Even more that the first one. And I hated the first one.
    This time around, the piranhas have made their way though the pipes of the "adult" water park The Big Wet, which is owned Maddy (Danielle Panabaker) and her sleazy step-father Chet (David Koechner). It's opening day (Of course), so Maddy, along with best friend Barry (Matt Bush) and corrupt cop Kyle (Chris Zylka) team up to save the park. Along the way,they get help from returning characters Goodman (Christopher Lloyd), Deputy Fallon (Ving Rhames) and from David Hasselhoff himself. What a treat...

Spoiler alert: this film is not as good
as A Nightmare on Elm Street.
    As I said earlier, I was not a fan of Piranha 3D. I don't care if a movie is "Trying to be bad". That doesn't mean that you can write a terrible movie with awful actors and a few celebrity cameos doing silly things are have a cult classic. In fact, it usually means you are a terrible writer. This one is no better. Actually, it's worse. For a movie called Piranha 3DD there are hardly any piranhas in the film. The whole massacre in this film is reserved for the film's final 10 minutes. At least in the first film, the massacre was the movie. I, granted, this movie is way more creative in it's death scenes then with the first movie, but creative doesn't actually mean good.
    The best deaths fall at the hands of something other than the piranhas usually and the terrible production value means that whatever piranha deaths we do get are badly CGI-ed and just silly to look at. And about the ending. When the last shot of your movie is a black-and-white shot of the headless body of a twelve-year-old boy bleeding while his blood soaked mother crying and screams of his decapitated body, and the whole thing is played for laughs, the whole movie, the writers, the producers and the director can all go royally f*ck themselves. And what was even worse was, as much as I hated this movie, I was kinda game for a "Monster-Fish-Walking-on-Land" movie. But, no. Director John Gulager had to throw in one more cheap shock.

She got lucky.
    I can't think of one good thing to say about this movie. I hated every second of it. The ending is one of the worst things I have seen in a movie in years. It's sexist, stupid, pathetic, lame, boring, generic, cliche, ugly, unfunny and had David Hasselhoff in it. I hated this movie. There is no reason to see it. Piranha 3DD gets ZERO stars out of 6.

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