Sunday, September 30, 2012

What to Expect When You're Making an Ensemble Movie

Or, My God is What to Expect When You're Expecting Boring!

    Congratulations. You have just been hired to create an ensemble film based on a book with no kind of story or characters whatsoever. Don't worry. This happens to relatively no one in their lifetime. You're special¹. Let this be your guide to making the best ensemble movie about pregnant women based on a self-help book in film history². Just follow these steps and you'll find yourself in a world that could be considered "decent".

I. What to Do With Your Cast

    You have been gifted with a cast of highly talented actor and actresses. Just remember. In a romantic comedy like this, none of that talent matters. This movie will be around 2 hours long. That's a length that will cause most people to fall asleep about halfway through. Therefore, make sure your cast doesn't put forward any effort. You don't want them to be tired when they go to work on actual movies of substance. And if any of your actors are trying, punish them. Saddle them with the worst storyline and given them the least amount of screen time in the entire movie. This way, they know their place and you have more room for Brooklyn Decker. All movies need more Brooklyn Decker³.

II. What to Do With Your Characters

    Now, you may be wondering about your characters. Who are they? You may be thinking of making them all diverse, interesting characters with impressive, well-thought out personalities. Well, stop that. Stop that right now. Every character is only allowed to have one trait that, ideally, is very similar or the same as the fellow actor they are partnered with. Now, remember, you need to have the most generic and obvious plot lines for the characters to go through. You don't want the audience being scared off by things like "originality".  
Figure 1.01. See? Humor.
    First off, let take Elizabeth Banks and put her with... Ben Falcone. Now, their storyline will be that she has always wanted to get pregnant and how she finally has! She thinks that she gonna get the "glow" she's read so much about. But, surprise, pregnant is hard! Oh ho, what a hoot. Now, they become very competitive with Falcone's father, who be played by Dennis Quaid! Why? Because! He's married to Brooklyn Decker⁴. Decker will have the perfect pregnancy, because we cannot make her look ugly. Guys on dates need something to like about this movie. Remember to have plenty of awkward moments between her and Banks, like in figure 1.01. 
    Next up we need a dramatic storyline, so we can go for the Oscar. Remember earlier when I said to punish anyone trying too hard. That would be Anna Kendrick. Give her a storyline where she and Chace Crawford get pregnant after a one night stand. But, it ends in a miscarriage. Drama! Hardly show they characters for the rest of the movie and never really explain why they don't stay together and tah-dah! We get the worst storyline in the movie. Next, we need a storyline where nobody actually gets pregnant. That's right. An adoption storyline. Because those never get preachy or anything. Give this one to Jennifer Lopez and Rodrigo Santoro. They're Latin, so we also get the movies diversity in too. A storyline where a Latin couple adopts and African baby. This is where boundaries are broken. 
    Oh, we completely forgot about Cameron Diaz and Matthew Morrison. Uh, just throw them into some storyline where they're both celebrities and they get pregnant. Don't worry. We don't have to make it interesting or anything, just as long as it's there.

III. What to Do With the Humor

Figure 1.02. See? More humor.
    Keep in mind that this is a romantic comedy. So this movie CANNOT be funny without being incredibly obvious about it. Remember all of the things that are true. Pregnant women are fun to make fun of. Fart jokes never go out of style. Men can't hold babies. It's true. See figure 1.02.For some added fun, let's take a group of male comedians including Chris Rock, Rob Huebel, Thomas Lennon and Amir Talai, put them in this movie as the "wacky" secret society of dads and make sure they are never funny⁵. Remember, clever is the enemy. Cliche is always the option. No exceptions. 

IV. Connecting the Storylines

    Do not do this in any meaningful way. Even now and again have the character walk by one another or eat at each other's food truck. But never have the characters talk to one another or interact more than you would interact with anyone of you friend list on Facebook. Then again, seeing as how old-fashioned this movie is, you probably don't even know what the Internet is do you?

V. Releasing the Film

    Now, release the movie in a time where you will make the least amount of money possible. This increase the chance of this becoming a "Cult movie"⁶. How about just a few weeks after one of the biggest blockbuster in film history in released. The Avengers? Perfect. 
    Now, critics are gonna hate this movie. It's overly-long, unfunny, a waste of a great cast and completely uninteresting in any way, shape or form. At the most, What to Expect When You're Expecting is gonna get 2 and a half stars out of 6, if it gets reviewed by some weirdo that reviews movies on a scale of one to six. But don't let that get your hopes down. You actually made a movie based on a self-help book for pregnant women. That's amazing enough. And if they, by some idiotic miracle, decide to make a sequel, just slap a 2 one the title and copy every we did in this book again. Thank you for reading.

¹ Not really though.
² Not really though
³ Not really though.
Never explain how this works.
Not even once.
Not really though.

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