Wednesday, November 6, 2013

The Undefined Gamer: "Van Helsing" Review

Just in time for Halloween!

      Coming into this, I knew it was a stinker. However, I couldn't even
begin to imagine how strong the reek of this movie's sh*t would be.
Poor, poor, me. I never saw it coming.
      Van Helsing is written and directed by the same asshole who did the
Mummy movies, as conveniently advertised in the previews. Even now, you
know this movie is doomed.
      Starring Hugh Jackman.... screw it, that's all you need to know.
This movie gets an F.
      (The phone rings. The Undefined Gamer picks up, suddenly
motionless, as he listens to the caller. Slowly, a frown creeps upon
his face. His eyebrows slant into an angry gesture. The Gamer rips the
phone from his ear and throws it out his window, shattering it, while
he yells profanities. 
      The Gamer gets up and walks into the living room. On a beaten
coffee table lies the Van Helsing DVD.
      The Gamer knocks the DVD off of the coffee table. Remembering the
painfully boring hours he committed to that DVD before this very TV,
the Gamer lifts up the coffee table on his shoulders like a wrestler
would do to his opponent, and hurls the table at the TV.
     Walking towards the carnage, the Gamer retrieves a mangled shard of
wood from the wreck of the table/tv.
      A malicious smile on his face, and revenge painted on his eyes,
the Gamer approaches the DVD, wood steak in hand.
      [This next part is censored by Cinema Won] (That's Me!- CW)
      Satisfied, the Gamer returned to his mobile device to his review
of Van Helsing).
      I think it's safe to say that I don't like this movie.

Weapons by Hansel and Gretel.
      So, as I've already started this review, I guess you guys should
know full well why this movie sucks a bag load of vampire testicles,
and why I had to banish it from this realm by means of [censored]
      Let's start with the premise. The movie centers around Van Helsing
(Jackman), a member of an underground Christian Society during the
1800s, whose purpose is to vanquish monsters such as Mr. Hyde,
Frankenstein, and Count Dracula. Basically, anything that isn't human.
      Why the f*ck is the Vatican interested in doing this? You got me.
I have no clue. To make matters worse, the film actually expects us to
believe that the Catholic Church is actually responsible for many
advances in the days' weaponry. Yeah, turns out the f*cking basement
of the Vatican is really an armory.
      This is a common trend in the film.
      The film tries to merge essentially all of the monster stories
under one roof, and they do it poorly. Yeah, turns out that Dracula
was responsible for Frankenstein's monster.
      Please don't ask why he created him. Please don't ask why he created him.
      Here's the deal, whenever dear old Dracy impregnates a woman, the
child is born dead, "Because as Dracula is dead, it only makes sense
that his children are born dead?"
      That is an actual quote from the film. To answer it, no, no it does not.
      You see, vampires are not dead. They are undead. There's a difference.
      But logic aside, Dracula's babies are stored in their own private
testicle until they are reanimated. They essentially are goblins.
      What can reanimate them? Electricity. Lots of electricity. Though,
for some reason, it only works if Frankenstein's monster gets
electrocuted. If that doesn't happen, Dracula's babies explode. They
also explode if Dracula dies. Why? Never explained.
      As is a trend in this movie. Very little makes any sense at all.
The plot is a mess, and this script should've never made it past
      Even the acting is lacking. Jackman is not putting on his A-game,
and this is definitely one of his weakest performances that I've seen
him in so far, though this is forgotten rather easily by the fact that
everyone else's performances are infinitely more ludicrous. This is
partly because the movie insists that everyone except Jackman have a
phony, butchered accent that in no way works or serves to help the
      The only thing the film does right is the visuals, namely Castle
Dracula. In this regard, the movie seems to have taken a page straight
out of Castlevania, minus the stellar soundtrack. In fact, the whole
of the movie has copied bits and pieces of the Castlevania formula,
as I found myself making Simon Belmont references galore. Yet the
visuals and video-gamey dungeons aren't enough to save this
trainwreck. It's sad. because I know that if there is a game based off
of this movie, I know it sucks.

"No one touches my bell."
      Van Helsing is the worst movie Hugh Jackman has starred in. This
movie should have never been made. The plot is a complete mess, making
no sense whatsoever, the acting is atrocious, and the score is
      The only redeeming quality of this movie is that the Castle Dracula
sequences go very well with Castlevania music. That, however, does not
justify a movie.
      On a brighter note, we now know for sure that a Castlevania movie,
like the recent games, would surely suck.

     Van Helsing gets 0 stars out of 6

1 comment:

  1. The Undefined GamerNovember 6, 2013 at 5:50 PM

    Edit: *all the recent games, minus the Lords of Shadow arc. Those games are excellent*