Tuesday, December 31, 2013

The Top Ten Worst Films of 2013

Yep, it's the fun list.

      It's that time of year again. 2013 is literally putting on it's coat and heading straight out the door and 2014 is pulling up to the driveway. And once again, it's time to take a look at all the films that I personally hated the most this year. And as with lists before, as few notes before we start. One: I have not seen ever film from this year, though I do think this is a pretty solid list. Two: This list might not quite match up with my reviews of these films, but this is the definitive order for how much I hated them. Three: As always, these are just my personal opinions and if you disagree, that's perfectly okay. So, before we begin, let me just list some movie that just missed being the worst. Lucky them.

Honorable (?) Mentions: The Great Gatsby, The Internship, The Call, The Hangover Part III, After Earth

Number Ten

      Yes, I said this could end up in my worst list for wasting such a strong premise and here we are. The Purge is relatively low on this list, but don't let that fool you. The Purge is a mistake from start to finish. Despite a strong premise, the filmmakers opted for a boring home invasion film that could only be more generic if it had a rushed last minute plot twist we could see coming from a mile away. Oh, wait... Everyone was trying to hard, but the story was so bad to being with that nobody could even remotely save this film. And the second one comes out this June. Because of course it does. Original Review: The Purge.

Number Nine

      2013 is the year that comedy and horror took a hit. Seriously. Five of the films on this list are horror movies and the other 5 are comedies. And too kick off the comedies, what better than 21 & Over. So parts of the film did feel like they were trying to do something different, but nope, this is just as awful and offensive as you'd expect. In fact, the main reason this wasn't higher on this list was because Project X was so much worse. It had hardly any jokes, some truly unlikable characters and a story that once again glorified all the wrong things. And that wasn't even the worst film to do that this year. Original Review: 21 & Over.

Number Eight

      I still don't think I've come across a lazier film than Scary Mo-Five-Ie. 15 full minutes of credits, barely having a theatrical runtime, censoring swears to get a PG-13 and parodying a trailer are just a few of the offensives this movie makes, so major problems that would be bad enough on their own, but all four at the same time just tell me nobody gave a crap when making this movie. I honestly forgot I saw it and now, thankfully, after this list I can go back to forgetting about it. Original review: Scary MoVie.

Number Seven

      Much like the last film, I don't think I've seen a film treat an honestly good female character so badly like Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters does. Hansel is about lame and stupid as an action hero gets, while Gretel proves herself to be smart, capable, strong and funny. And what does she get in return? She's turned into a damsel in distress for Hansel to rescue and gets more beatings that Hansel does. But at least the filmmakers kept showing off Gemma Arterton's cleavage. Sure, she was usually covered in blood and badly beaten, but boobs are boobs! Ugh... Original Review: Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters.

Number Six

      The first film of the year and one of the worst films of the year. Man, what a way to kick off 2013. I stand by the fact that this film was made only for rocks. How else do you explain it? It's not even remotely for fans of the series, it's R-rated, so technically teenagers can't see it. And yet, somehow, we are still getting a crappy horror film in the first week of January. This year it's Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones, in 2015 it's a new Amityville. And hopefully, in 2016, it's won't be a sequel to this massive miss of a movie. Original Review: Texas Chainsaw (2013).
Number Five

      Now it's time for the film that no one's really heard about. And I can't blame them. Despite a decent start and a strong message, Black Rock just failed to deliver anything but an unpleasant experience. Which would be okay, if it wasn't for that fact that the film kept changing it's characters personalities and never quite made sense. Plus, the film felt so superior, like they were doing something amazing and original. But really, Black Rock was nothing more than a "more adult" Friday the 13th. And Friday the 13th was better. Original Review: Black Rock.

Number Four

      Yes, now we're getting into the real stinkpiles. And know it's time for the one everyone else liked that I hated. I do understand why people liked World War Z, but for me, I was already sick of zombies before I saw this movie, which is about as straightforward a zombie movie as it gets. The film had a lot of reshoots and it shows. The editing is awful, with characters completely disappearing and plot holes all around. Plus, the zombies had people in my screening laughing. But worst of all, the nearly 2 and a half hours long movie was easily the most boring film of the year and the worst film I saw in theaters this year. And the sequel is in the works. Fantastic. Original Review: World War Z.

Number Three

      To close out this list, we have a trio of awful comedies for you, starting with one that's technically 14 awful comedy films. I don't know what mixture of blackmail and sorcery the producers performed to get that actors for this dud, but man are they all regretting it. I do honestly believe that anyone that starred in this movie should be banned from the Oscars this year. And maybe next year. And the year after that. There really wasn't a single funny thing in this movie and each sketch was worse than the last. Just forget this movie exists. I know that's what the actors want. Original Review: Movie 43.

Number Two

      Surprise! Yes, the film I called one of the worst of all time and said it's only saving grace was the fact that it set the bar so low for the rest of the films... is not the worst film I saw in 2013. Sure, it was really close though. Yes, this one was bad. It was awful. At and hour and 20 minutes long, it was one of the most excruciating run-times I ever had to sit through. It wasn't funny, wasn't interesting and thought it was hilarious. Kinda like your Uncle Freddy. And yet, as truly horrendous as it was, there was one film that I hated more. And that's saying something. At least we can look forward to the sequel, which comes out in March. I hate everything Original Review: A Haunted House.

Number One

      Yes, this is the movie I hated the most in 2013. At first I didn't think it was as bad as A Haunted House, but Identity Thief sure proved me wrong. What it ultimately came down to was this. A Haunted House was stupid and lame. Identity Thief was mean and smug. It thought it was the best movie ever, and even worse it didn't seem to get just how mean-spirited it was. It was laughing at it's characters, especially Melissa McCarthy not with them. It was so bad that I still hate the fact that I have to acknowledge it's existence. Everyone involved should have known better and worst yet, nobody seemed to care. Original Review: Identity Thief.

And so that's it for now. Stay tuned as next week we'll be looking at the Best Films of 2013.

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