Sunday, January 12, 2014

Review 234: "The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle"

The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle!

Moose and Squirrel Joke

      The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle is a 2000 film based on the famous 1960s cartoon series Rocky and His Friends. The film is a famous box office bomb and is seen as an embarrassment to many of it's cast, especially to Jason Alexander. Directed by Des McAnuff (Cousin Bette) ad written by Kenneth Lonergan (Gangs of New York!?!) and follows flying squirrel Rocky (June Foray) and moose Bullwinkle (Keith Scott) as they head into the real world to help FBI agent Sympathy (Piper Perabo) stop Boris (Jason Alexander), Natasha (Rene Russo) and Fearless Leader (Robert De Niro!?!) form using television to take over the US. You know, just like in the show!

Oh no! You're not getting out of this review!

      I always have kind of a feeling about how much I'm going to like a movie when I got into it. I'll know if I'll generally like it or dislike it. But man was I unprepared for this movie. The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle is truly an abomination of the face of the world. This movie was bad to the very core. It mad me angry, something that hasn't happened in a while. And I have never even seen a single episode of Rocky and Bullwinkle. I'm not even sure where to begin. There is hardly a single redeeming factor in this movie. The cast is fine, I guess. And I will say this. The animation on Rocky and Bullwinkle is surprisingly great. Okay, so there. Literally all of the good things about this movie. I mean, it's like we think that crappy live-action adaptations of cartoons is a new thing, but then there's this shit to remind us that NOTHING EVER CHANGES! Whew. Okay, calm down. Whew. Okay, so look, if you really want to know what makes this movies so bad it's this.
      The direction is just awful. And so is the writing. There. Bye-bye.

The Verdic...

      Okay, fine, I'll do more. The movie has this smug feeling to it. The kind where you feel like the writer, after making a terrible joke, leaned back from this computer and called himself a genius. It's that kind of movie that thinks it's being clever when really it's just being so, so lazy. It does so much I hate. It points out a plot hole, then dismisses it as a joke. Like "Hey, look at our screw-up! What's that? Why do we fix it? You're dumb. That's why. La la la la la." How how about all the time it makes fun of Rocky and Bullwinkle, even calling it really bad, especially when the movie itself is a load of diaper from the Son of the Mask baby! It has atrocious sound effects. It says untruth instead of lie like it's the crowning moment of comedy. HEY EVERYONE! STOP MAKING JOKES! THE ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE NARRATOR SAID UNTRUTH! WE'VE REACHED OUT PEAK! I could go on and on. There's pointless cameos, Kenan and Kel, a dumb musical number, Kenan and Kel, a parody of COPS, Kenan and Kel. It's like it's made entirely about the worst things film has to offer. It even tries it's hand at "satire". At one point a FBI agent says flat out to another character "All we care about it result". I think that was the motto of this movie.

That's how I feel too.
The Verdict

      If I even need to say it there no hope for you. The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle is an awful movie that made me more angry than A Haunted House. That's pretty damn angry. It's pretentious, lame, stupid, painfully unfunny, arrogant, mean-spirited, smelly, poorly written, poorly structured, Kenan and Kel, and a poor excuse for a kids film. Where's Alvin and the Chipmunks when you need them? The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle gets 1 star out of 6.

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