Monday, October 22, 2012

Nightmare on Elm Street Marathon: Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare

That's how you decide to end it!

    That's right. The "ending". The planned final movie in the Nightmare on Elm Street series. Completely retconning The Dream Child, Freddy's Dead follows Maggie (Lisa Zane), a doctor who is trying to help John Doe (Shon Greenblatt) regain his memory after an accident leaves him with amnesia. They travel to John's hometown of Springwood, when they discover three stowaways, Tracy (Lezlie Deane), Spencer (Garfield's Breckin Meyer) and Carlos (Ricky Dean Logan) have hitched a ride with them. While in the town, they discover that a mysterious man named Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund) has killed all other Springwood's teens and plans to use Maggie as a way for getting the rest of the world's teenagers.
    Remember how I said Dream Child was a really silly movie. Ya, this one makes Dream Child look like The Dark Knight. Make no mistake. Scary Freddy is no longer in existence. For all intents and purposes, Freddy's Dead is a more effective comedy than it is a horror movie. The opening nightmare features Freddy dress as the Wicked Witch of the West and riding a broomstick. Subtly is long gone by this point.

Yes, that is a Power Glove.
   The worst thing about this movie is that it was supposed to be the finale. The last Nightmare movie ever. And this is how the whole entire 6 movie series would have ended. That's horrible. Robert Englund is certainly having fun playing Punny Freddy, but the entire movie just falls apart around him. The fact that Freddy uses a Power Glove at one point and creates an animated drug tripping scene later on was meant to be the grand finale for a series that started with one of the greatest horror movies ever made is more scary than this movie ever gets.
    Sure, the movie is probably the most intentionally funny Nightmare movie ever. And it does give us my personal favorite Nightmare quote ("Every town has an Elm Street!"). But even more of this film is unintentionally funny. The idea that a movie that can barely explain it's own plot and yet tries to explain the plot of the entire series is perhaps the funniest thing about this movie. Mostly the film never actually bothers to fill us in on who exactly these new characters are, why we should care about them or even what the hell they are doing. No, the film is too busy giving Roseanne a cameo. 
    So maybe it's best if we just forgot this one exists. I mean, Freddy gets his powers from evil dream gods that look suspiciously like fish. Is that really the best these writers could come up with? Here look. Freddy made a deal with the devil. It's less stupid and scarier too. Let me write a Nightmare movie. The movie also ends one what is one of the biggest anti-climaxes of all time. Now, of course, since this is the ending Spoiler Alert, but it's not really that big a deal. Maggie turns out to be Freddy's daughter, so she brings Freddy into the real world and kills him by pinning him to a pipe and stabbing him with a pipe bomb. He explodes, Maggie walks out of the room, say's "Freddy's dead" and the movie, freaking, ends. 

Hey look it's Oprah Noodlemantra.
    I can honestly say that calling Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare the worst Nightmare on Elm Street movie is one of the easiest decisions I've had to make in a while. The story's terrible, Freddy's lame, the kills are stupid, the acting's bad, the writing's worse, it looks cheap, the ending's garbage and I don't like the font of the title. Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare gets 2 stars out of 6.

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