Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Christmas Extrava-Christmas: "A Madea Christmas"

Cinema Won closes out Christmas
with one of the worst things ever made.
What's the Story?
     A Madea Christmas is a play, in DVD form, that was written, produced, directed by and starring Tyler Perry, one of the biggest hacks in Hollywood. Perry has been on my most hated list since I saw his misogynistic crap-fest Good Deeds earlier this year and this utter pile certainly isn't going to get the loser any points. The "play" follows Madea (Tyler Perry) and Bam (Cassi Davis) as they try to "fix" Lillian (Chandra Currelley), an overbearing mother to China (Tamar Davis). who is about to get engaged to Bobby (Shannon Williams). Oh, and it's Christmas time. Joy...
What's Good About It?
    Nothing. There isn't a single redeeming quality to this dreck. Tyler Perry has created the worst Christmas special ever made and one of the worst things committed to film ever. Every second of the film is pure torture. You know how critics joke that they would rather do something horrifically painful than watch a terrible movie again? Well, I think I would honestly rather have hot wax poured in my ears than hear this annoying and offensive characters again. Tyler Perry is a racist. The is no way of defending him. Madea is so stereotypical that it's amazing more people don't say he's racist. He's effectively made minstrel movies and somehow they've become popular with black audiences.
    The "character" of Hattie (Patrice Lovely) deserves special attention. Lovely make be a great actress. I will never know. Here, she is forced to play one of the most annoyingly, painfully unfunny characters ever. She worse than Jar-Jar Binks. Seriously. Every time she walks onstage I wanted her to burn. Hey, does an old lady constantly talking like get gargled nail after sucking on some helium and trying to get laid all the time sound hilarious to you? If so, please send me your address so I know never to go near you ever.
    Perry tries desperately to make this a story with a moral code. Unfortunately, Perry's moral code is horrendous. At one point, Madea states that children can't be made at their parents if they're parents worked hard to feed them. Yes, the parent worked hard, but the kids should be able to express their issues. But, nope! Madea says that kids have to respect their parents no matter what the reasons are. He even fits a child abuse joke into the moral. Oh, Tyler, you have out done yourself this time. What makes the moral system of Perry even worse is that no one else is allowed to have one. And god forbid that a person isn't religious. Then they really need fixing!
   Not even the musical aspects of the play work. All of the songs are big, vocally driven ballads written by Perry that are about as fun to listen to as crying babies that Madea probably punched. They're all so pretentious and awful. One song, about a father singing about his daughter, literally has just children's stories like Humpty Dumpty and Mary Had a Little Lamb as the verses, which doesn't work at all and ruins the flow of the already terrible song. I have reviewed over 112 other films here on Cinema Won, including some of the worst movies ever made. I have sat through The Apocalypse and Manos, The Hands of Fate. But an hour and forty minutes into the over two and a half hour long play, I gave up. I walked out. This thing brought me to that.
I. Hate. You. All.
    What is the Verdict?
    Tyler Perry deserve jail time for this travesty. It's offensive, it's foul, it's annoying, it's overly long, it's poorly acted, it's poorly written, it smells bad, it looks ugly, it's DVD menus are terrible, it's title font is lame, and it's catering was probably bad as well. A Madea's Christmas is the worst Christmas special ever and deserve to be buried six feet under. And, with that. Merry Christmas. Enjoy the gifts, but remember, its family that really matters. Unless your family is Madea. In which case, I pity you.
A Madea's Christmas gets 0 candy canes out of 6.

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