Monday, December 31, 2012

Cinema Won's Top Ten Worst Films of 2012

    It's that time of year again. After having seen over 60 films from 2012 and reviewing most of them, it's time to take a look at the ten* worst films the year has given us. As always, I haven't seen every movie from 2012. I have heard of awful films like The Lucky One or The Guilt Trip, but having not seen them myself I can't put them on my list. And, as always, this is totally my opinion. If you like one of these movies, see more movies. But, that's your opinion and I respect that. But before we look at the top ten, let's look at one film that just missed the list.

*"Honorable" Mention
     I was so close to putting WTEWYE on this list, but the number 10 worst film just edged it out. WTEWYE was one of the most mind-numbingly dull films I saw all year. I had to be creative just to review the film and even then there wasn't much to say. The cast is all phoning it in, dealing with some utterly cliched storylines and taking the one interesting one they had with Anna Kendrick and running it into the ground. Plus, the film was so long that I actually read a couple chapters in a book during to movie just so something interesting could happen. Still, WTEWYE never had a chance to be good. Number 10, however, did.
Number 10
    I literally just saw Premium Rush yesterday so unfortunately I didn't get a chance to review it. Yet. However, I can say that it's just utterly awful. Premium Rush is easily the dullest film I saw all year. For a movie all about "going fast", the film couldn't have been slower. It's just so repetitive! Every other scene is a bike chase that goes on for ten minutes. Which would be fine if the director could make an interesting chase scene. Alas, he could not and in the process wasted Joseph Gordon-Levitt and a great villain performance from Michael Shannon. Premium Rush is too long at barely an hour and a half. Premium Rush would be too long if it were a forty minute TV episode. What a waste.
Number 9
    Edgar Allen Poe is not an action hero. So the fanboyish attempt The Raven makes to make Poe out to be an epic hero in his last days is stupendously silly. Everything about The Raven is so obvious. The "mystery" is so painfully easy to figure out and still manages to be surprisingly stupid. And I don't hate John Cusack, but he is lost in this movie, terribly miscast in a role that needed a Nic Cage. The Raven may look nice, but don't be fooled, it's a waste of everyone's time and everyone's money.
Number 8

    I may not have made it clear in my review that I hate Katherine Heigl. Based on a book, this is probably one massive case of "the book was better". This is a movie made in part by Heigl and she can't even be bothered to put forth any effort into her role. As a result, Stephanie Plum ends up as one of the more unlikable and underdeveloped characters of the year. There isn't a single clever, interesting or original second in this movie. Plus, the film is filled with obnoxious side characters, all with terrible Jersey accents. Forgetta bout it.

Number 7
    In all honesty, That's My Boy is probably one of the best Happy Madison production in the last few years. And it's still on the worst list. The first Sandler starring Happy Madison film to bomb in a while, That's My Boy features one of the most singularly annoying main characters this year, with Sandler giving Donny a voice that came filtered through a cheese grater. The "comedy" is so offensive for no reason other than being offensive that it never actually gets a solid joke in during it's overly long runtime. When the punchline of your movie is incest, you've made a bad movie.
Number 6
    It's about time we got Mr. Perry on this list. I mean, we all knew he would show up here eventually. Good Deeds continues Perry's trend of making some of the most misogynistic, morally skewed films in recent memory. Good Deeds thinks it has a whole lot of meaningful things to say, but the movie's message seemed to say that a woman needs a rich, strong man to be happy in life. I'm fine with Perry fantasizing about being a knight in shining armor. Next time though, he should keep his fantasies to himself.
Number 5
    Oh, Eddie Murphy, you really did try. You did a good job in this movie. But this movie sucked. A Thousand Words makes probably the dumbest mistake of any movie this year. It didn't allow Eddie Murphy to talk. Forced to keep his mouth shut, Murphy is forced to overact in a desperate attempt to make the film even remotely funny. But, unfortunately, A Thousand Words was painfully unfunny and had a terrible story to boot. Was Kerry Washington's character really meant to be someone we could sympathizes with? A Thousand Words wanted us to hate Murphy's character, but instead, we wanted to be him. After all, he didn't have to see this movie.
Number 4
    The original bad movie of 2012. This Means War was the first movie this year that I called the worst and it obviously wasn't the last. The film was just so bad. It took some of the most likable actors out there today and made them despicable. What about this movie was supposed to be funny or romantic. Was it the two men using a woman was a trophy for a game of one-upsmanship? Was it a woman dating two men at the same time with little guilt she cared about? Was it the two spies stealing government resources to spy on a hot girl they just met? The filmmakers thought This Means War was adorable. They were wrong.
Number 3
    I honestly do like musicals. But Rock of Ages was just excruciating. At over 2 hours long, Rock of Ages was the closest I've come to walking out of a movie (Before, you know, that movie). The musical numbers were horribly overblown butcherings of classic songs. Cruise is the only member of the cast actually trying and even he can't save this sinking ship. The film gave us a completely been-there-done-that story that seems to make up every other movie musical nowadays. Even Glee is better than this dreck. And that's saying something.
Number 2
    Project X is a movie made by despicable people about despicable people for the most despicable people on Earth: teenagers. No, my idea of entertainment isn't watching three douchebags throwing their life away to become popular. There wasn't a single likable thing about this movie. It was never funny, pointlessly found footaged, it treated women like objects for the boys to play with and was offensive on more than twelve occasions. And what's worst is that people look up to this movie. Teenagers have tried to recreated the film. That that's just sad.
The Number One Worst Film of 2012 is...
    Did you really think this could be anything other than Piranha 3DD? I mean, David Hasselhoff was too good for this movie. David Hasselhoff. I don't know how this movie managed to even get made, let alone get a theatrical release. This movie was just so stupid. The first Piranha at least knew how to do bad. This thing thinks that if it puts enough blood and gore, and some completely naked women and some cameos from washed up celebrities then it's an instant bad movie classic. But it couldn't even get being a bad movie right. Instead, it literally threw offensively awful jokes, logically brain-dead action scenes and some terrible acting right at the screen. It's final joke was a screaming mother holding her dead 10-year old son in her arms. If that doesn't say worst movie of the year, then I don't know what does.


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